Monday, August 13, 2012

Pt. 1: Miscarriages Are Like Snowflakes.....

.....no two are just alike.


When I realized I was pregnant the first time, I peed on a stick and immediately got joy drunk and stupid on Baby B*jorns and maternity clothes.  Which is just one of the many reasons my 1st miscarriage was so completely devastating.

It was so devastating that I kinda gave up on my body for the last 6 months. I was sooo angry, especially with my body.   I mean, really, why the hell should I do anything nice for my body if it's gonna thank me by failing to stay pregnant????  The anger just got worse as it seemed to take longer and longer for me to get pregnant again.

I think what made everything so very hard was that I had no answers.  I went to the doctor and was told:
-that my pregnancy was over
-that I didn't do anything to cause it but
-that there was no way to really know why it happened and
-that there was nothing that could have been done to fix/stop it
-that miscarriages are VERY common in 1st pregnancies
-that having one miscarriage doesn't mean you will have another

So I took my lack of answers and I went home and booked a first-class ticket to Crazytown, Population: 1. And for 6 months I proceeded to analyze and pick apart everything that I could have possibly done to cause the miscarriage. Once I had thought of every single ridiculous possibility I beat myself up mercilessly for each and every one.

Fast forward from January to June -- after 6 mos of being laser focused on doing everything "right" to get pregnant again, and failing to do so,  I was ready to take a break.  I was so ready to take a break that in June I stopped all my charting/fertility tracking effort..... no taking temps, no checking mucus (sorry TMI), no ovulation predictor strips --- nothing.

I was also ready to start feeling good again.  I had recommitted to start working out again and start giving a shit what I ate (for me, not for the purpose of getting preggo) beginning July 1st, right after TOM was over -- you know, just to make sure I was absolutely NOT pregnant.

I had no reason to believe that I might be preggo (well, other than the fact that Hubs and I had done The Dance w/ No Pants). I mean, really, I had been trying so hard with no success -- what would make this month any different???

Of course, June came and went with TOM nowhere to be found.  So I dig into my trusty stash of EPTs,  get my pee on  --- and I'm pregnant!!!

I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear.  So much for my big plans to recommit to exercise -- I was too damn scared.  I was too damn scared to do ANYTHING except sit on my couch and eat carbs.

*Side note:  Both of my 5 minute long "pregnancies" included overnight water retention/weight gain of 10lbs.  This is a whole different sort of anxiety for me but we'll save that for another post.  

I kept telling myself that everything was gonna be okay.  Just because I had one miscarriage didn't mean I would have two.  The universe wouldn't do this to me again.

I called the OB/GYN's office and explained that I was *kinda* going a little insane and if they made me wait till 9 weeks to come in for a check that I would most likely be in  a straightjacket by then.  So they graciously indulged me --  as a matter of fact, they brought me in once a week for the next 3 weeks.  Checking my HCG levels and doing ultrasounds to confirm if the pregnancy was progressing -- and it was, with every appointment I felt a little bit better and little bit more foolish for being so anxious.

That is until, I hit 7 weeks, exactly.  Just like the last time, just like clockwork --- the tidal wave of bleeding began.  I had 2 more days until my next Dr.s appointment so I just waited.   For 2 days my emotions ranged from ridiculous optimism that this was something else entirely not a miscarriage to total depression that this was happening AGAIN!!!

After 2 days of emotional volleyball it was time for my Dr.'s appointment -- the most significant appointment so far.  At this point, there should have been a very clearly visible baby type creature occupying my uterus --- but alas, there was not.  Just a big empty sac -- worst fears confirmed, miscarriage #2 in progress.

Cue the total meltdown.  Unlike MC #1 in which I was so stunned that I didn't lose my shit until several days later, I went into a total red-faced, puffy eyed, snot river, non-verbal, ugly cry (right in the middle of the clinic waiting room, no less).

After meeting with the Dr. I was scheduled for a D&C the next day (due to concerns about a possible ectopic pregnancy).  I spent the whole of Saturday laying in the hospital (without having had anything to eat since 12am the previous night) waiting to have a procedure that took barely 30 minutes --  lemme say this hospital trip wasn't nearly as fun and exciting as my last one aka when I got my Lapband.   By the time I was released, I was tired, hungry and more just a little depressed.  All I wanted was a hot fudge milkshake from S*nic ---- the 32oz milkshake to be exact.

Not my actual milkshake, just for visual reference
Just for the record, 32 ozs of milkshake is too much. Even if you haven't eaten for 18 hrs and you hate the world and just wanna die ----  that only covers about 26 ozs worth of milkshake, the other 8 ozs will just make you want to puke.

That concludes the 1st part of this saga. I feel the need to apologize for how long and convoluted it is, but that's the way it has been in real life.  Stayed tuned to the thrilling conclusion........












11 comments:

  1. Thinking of you sweetheart, so sorry for your losses. Love x

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  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this. it's a terrible pain no one should ever have to endure. I suffered through infertility, the death of my first born daughter and to make things just the right amount of fucked-upness I had two subsequent miscarriages. Can I ask, has your docs checked your progesterone levels before and during pregnancies? I, not my doc, discovered that my progesterone levels we're outta whack so much that I could never sustain a pregnancy into own without progesterone supplements.

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  3. 32 oz is too much for a milkshake. But that's okay, you needed a lil somethin' somethin'.

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  4. The milkshake part made me laugh but the rest made me cry. oh my goodness, I know nothing I say will make you feel better. I am so very sorry. I have been in your shoes....2 miscarriages over 2 years of trying for baby #1. NOTHING I SAY CAN take the pain that you are feeling. I hated the world....myself....my doctors....my life. BUT everyday it will get a little less painful. I understand that the only thing that will take away the pain completely is to have a successful pregnancy.

    Could you go to a reproductive endrocronologist to get EVERYTHING possible tested so that you don't go into a third pregnancy still not knowing why you miscarried? email me if you want to talk.

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  5. Have your progesterone levels checked. I had three miscarriages, and I totally get what you meant about hating your body and having it let you down. Three is the magic number when it comes to miscarriages though because that is when they start saying "this is not right" instead of "this happens."

    Three made me a "high risk" pregnancy with lots of tests and several appointments with a genetic specialist. And testing to determine my progesterone levels were low and supplements were needed.

    After my three miscarriages, with the help of progesterone supplements (I can never look at candy corn the same again), I wen ton to have four gorgeous babies because once I figured it out, there was no stopping me. (My progesterone supplements were shaped like candy corn without the stripes.)

    Good luck!

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  6. I had 2 miscarriages. I was you in every part of the words you typed. I lost the 1st at 10 weeks and the 2nd at 7 weeks. I finally stopped trying. When I got pregnant the 3rd time I didn't tell anyone until I was past the first trimester. It will happen. At least you know you "can" get pregnant. Good luck and I have shed the tears and had the pain. My thoughts are with you!

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  7. I am so very sorry you've gone through this..twice. My heart aches for you sweetie. I gott admit though...the "last 8 ozs just makes you want to puke," part made me giggle. ((HUGS))

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  8. I am very, very sorry for your losses. My thoughts are with you.

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  9. I wish I could hug you in person, instead we'll have to settle for virtual hugs. I wish there were some kind of comforting words or sound advice to give, but there just isn't. Miscarriages are painful...way deep down inside. I will never forget how it felt to see that positive pregnancy test and I will never forget how I felt when the doctor called and informed that it wasn't going to "work out".

    I am with the other ladies, you should talk to a fertility doctor and/or your OBGYN about progesterone. My pregnancy was doomed for miscarriage before it even started because of low progesterone levels. We tried a few cycles with HCG shots during my luteal phase to help kick my body into gear to produce the right hormones. We didn't get a successful pregnancy, but my levels all looked really, really good. We will try again in a year (after my revision to bypass) and probably go back to HCG shots and progesterone suppositories.

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  10. I am so sorry. It sounds devastating and hard, I am glad you can put that out there and get the sad and confused and angry feelings out of you. Hang in there...

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  11. I am so proud of you for blogging and getting your feelings out about this AJ, I know it wasn't easy for you at all!! I pray you find peace in where you're at and what is to come for you, which I just KNOW is full of amazingly wonderful things!! ;) hugs, xoxoxox

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