Monday, July 23, 2012

D & C with an NSV

First off, I wanted to offer all my thanks for all the kind words and thoughts.

Last week pretty much sucked.

The services for my Nana went well.  They were quiet and simple just the way she always said she wanted.  My family (mainly my Dad, Aunt, and Uncle) managed to maintain good behavior.  This is a huge blessing because they do not get along well and it takes very little for them to go nuclear on each other.  However, we managed to get through the weekend with no one losing their shit and that was a HUGE success.  I have to admit I was moderately amazed that the weekend didn't descend into a nuclear meltdown because their childishness knows no bounds.  The real stress was walking on eggshells and being perpetually prepared to deal with a family fight that could happen on a second's notice.

As for the miscarriage, I am coping way better than I thought I would.

There are a lot of things I want discuss and purge but that will come out over time.

With my 1st miscarriage, my OB/GYN gave me a pill that would make my body "release" the tissue so that the process wouldn't draw out for weeks and weeks.

With this current miscarriage, there were some factors that were suggestive of an ectopic pregnancy so they wanted to do a D & C in order to test the tissue to rule out an ectopic.  If you aren't familiar with D&C -- it is a minor surgery that is done under general anesthesia.  Here where the NSV comes in --  when they rolled me back to the pre-op to start my IV and begin my anesthesia.  I heard the Nurse Anesthetist talking to the nurses at the main desk about my height and weight stats.  (I guess she was looking at my body size and comparing my stats) Next thing I know, she comes walking over to my gurney and questioning me about my height/weight.

I had given her my height 5'3 and my most current weight 195lbs (taken at my Drs office the day before)  ----  SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!!!  She was all "No way!!!  But you are so tiny!!!" Then she raises my blanket and says "You must have incredible muscle mass?!?"

In my head, I just kept thinking "What!?! Did you seriously just call me tiny???"  What blew my mind even more was that for the whole 5 minutes that I was pregnant I had managed to gain 10lbs and I just felt super gross and huge and bloated.

The lesson is, NSVs happen even on the most terrible of days.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

If I Could Lose Weight As.....

....easily as I lose pregnancies then I would have seen my goal weight months ago.  Sorry if that is morbid humor but that's about all I've got right now.  

That's right. I am sure some of you had your suspicions so I am coming clean on all my gloom lately.  

My last post (Thursday) had me pretty sure that my 7.5wk pregnancy was coming to an end -- for those of you who are new followers or didn't get the memo, this would be my 2nd pregnancy/2nd miscarriage in 6 mos both ending at approx 7.5wks.  

I have spent the past 2 weeks swinging back and forth between feeling super hopeful and positive to feeling total despair and doom and everything in between.  

As if life could not suck any worse ---  I got a call at 7am this morning informing me that my 92 yr old Nana passed away in the wee hours of this morning.  ( My 1st miscarriage in January coincided with the death of my Granddad.  It makes me just a wee bit suspicious that perhaps my toxic uterus is an instrument of death and destruction??) 

My Nana when she was about my age.   She was a total stunner! 

This whole saga has many more details and I have tons of emotions to express but, quite frankly, everything is swirling around my head in a blur and I am tapped out of emotional energy to sort it all.  Maybe once this gets a little smaller in my rear view I will be able to sort out my thoughts and get it all out.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


I have noticed a theme running through several of today's posts calling out folks who have "disappeared" from blogland and/or  the need/want to unfollow bloggers.

Right or wrong, I really took these personally, but I always do.  I am totally "Little Miss Guilty Conscience" like that -- I am always convinced that I am the offending party and that anonymous complaints are always aimed directly at me.

 I am totally guilty of bailing on blogland but the truth is that I am a total disaster.  My life has been turned upside down lately and I don't know if I am coming or going.  I am stuck in a holding pattern where all I can do is sit here and be stressed out, confused, and miserable.

Many of you might say, "Why don't you talk it out on your blog?" Well, honestly, because I am not ready to talk.  Because talking about something makes it real -- it puts it out into the world.  So then not only do I have to contend with my own swirl of mixed up emotions I also have to contend with the insecurity that comes from exposing my issues to others.

I also don't feel right putting my hard times out on my blog and seeking support through it when I know that right now I don't have the emotional energy to give support back to others.  I am swimming in stress and negativity and I really don't want to put that out into blogland because that doesn't do anything for anybody.

So I have become a hermit.  I have pulled my head inside my shell and I have turtled and there may or may not be lots of chips and cookies with me inside my shell.