Monday, May 21, 2012

Obsessing Over Trying Not to Obsess

As most of y'all are aware, I am pretty preoccupied with getting pregnant (again).  Actually, "preoccupied" is a bit of an understatement --- more like, totally consumed.  

At this moment, I am in the throws of what the fertility crowd likes to call the Two Week Wait (2ww) i.e. the 2 weeks between dropping an egg and when TOM (hopefully doesn't) show(s) up.  

It is also the period of time when you convince yourself that every cramp, twinge, burp, or fart means you are most DEFINITELY pregnant.  I would like to say that I am sooooo above this, but, let's face it, I'm not.  

If I were above all that I wouldn't have compulsively poked, pinched, and squeezed my boobies for the past week. (And that's not even counting the times I asked The Hubs to do it.)  They are a slight bit tender but who knows, I have probably poked and prodded them into hurting OR it's just PMS.  (Oh, and don't get me started on what bullshit it is that early pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are basically the same!!!! )

I may or may not be checking my lady mucus every hour for clues like it's some kind of gynecological crystal ball.  (Sorry for the TMI) 

Of course, it also doesn't help that I am experiencing some unusual things right now too. For example, my band suddenly feels loose.  This normally wouldn't set off such an alarm bell except for a) I always get super tight right before TOM (due Friday) and b) my band got really loose during the 4 weeks I was "pregnant" in January.  

The other weird thing is that I have been having indigestion/heartburn since Friday. It's not reflux (before anyone freaks out a band complication) just a churning, acidic feeling in the lower portion of my stomach below my band.  I haven't had anything like it since getting banded.  

I am not nauseous, but I also didn't get nauseous in January either. 

I haven't peed on a stick because I know it's just too early.  If I get a + it will likely be so faint that I won't trust/believe it. If I get a  -  then I will just be more disappointed.  

Of course, pregnancy websites/message boards are no help whatsoever since you can always find info that tells you what you wanna hear if you G**gle enough.  

Honestly, I am not even sure why I am talking about this here other than hoping I can scrub it all from my brain.  I really just want to get in my bed and sleep till Friday just so it won't dominate my every waking thought.  This whole process has been very isolating for me since I have chosen keep the whole pregnancy/miscarriage/ trying to conceive situation to myself.  I feel like the few friends that know are "over" hearing/talking about it or are so preoccupied with their own lives that my few attempts to reach out have been overlooked.   

As much as REALLY need those friends to lean on, I don't want to have to beg a friend to be 'there' for me.  I just need them to do it.  (Gosh, that sounds so whiny and sniveling)  

Well, there you have it.  Your crazy supplement for the day (as if, y'all didn't have enough of your own!!)  


  1. I am nor "over" hearing about it till your heart is content...or till your knocked up, which ever happens first is A ok with me.

    I never got morning sickness with any of my pregnancies, so the fact that you haven't been sick means nothing.

    Hoping the knocked up gods are hovering over as I type this :)

  2. It took us six long years to conceive our first. I know how you feel. Finger crossed.

  3. you're writing about this here because it's YOUR blog and we are ALL here to support you! Whether the topic is about how much you despise hot dogs or how stressed you are about having a baby, we love you! prayers, fingers crossed and good ju-ju dances for good results!!! :)

  4. How exhausting having those thoughts whirling through your head all day, every day! I've been pregnant twice (and have given birth twice) and both times were completely different. With my first, I was nauseated and tired and just felt like poop. With my second, I didn't even realize I was past due on my period until my hubby pointed it out and then felt like poop MUCH later. So every woman is different, every baby is different and for me, lately, every TOM is different to boot so there's no telling. Sorry this got all rambly. Just wanted you to know we're here for you. ((HUGS))

  5. I got my fingers and toes crossed for you girl. {hugs}

  6. Praying for a + for you! :)

  7. I can't wait for an update!

    I completely understand everything you're going through. I peed on sticks like nobody's business. I even peed on ovulation sticks to see if something would come up. And by the way, not to feed your obsession any more, if you are pregnant it will more than likely show a positive on an ovulation test if you have some laying around :) Try to relax as much as you can! Please, PLEASE keep us posted! Kerri :)

  8. I keep checking back for an update! Best wishes to you, huh! Kerri :)

  9. Hey there cycle sister :) I know how you feel. And this is what your blog is for. No one here will ever blow you off or make light of your situation. These two weeks seem to take an eternity every month....but when it is time, we will both manage to finally get that positive test and healthy pregnancy that ends in a sweet baby.

    Weird band stuff does seem to go hand and hand with being pregnant. I had a lot of bizarre stuff througout my miscarriage and I am just now getting back to "normal". Reading into everything our bodies do during the tww is all we have to hold onto until we get that bfp or we start a new cycle. I convince my husband every month that I am pregnant :)