Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tight & Crazy

The Crazy

First off, just FYI, I am not preggo just shitballs crazy.  I am frustrated, disappointed, impatient, and stepping back from the baby thing.  I have GOT to find a way to let go of all this lingering anger, bitterness, and rage simmering in me.  By no means are we trying to prevent pregnancy - but I am stepping away from the fertility tracker, basal temp thermometer, ovulation pee strips, fancy lubes, and spooge cups (yes, I just said spooge!!! *snicker*).  It really is getting to be too much.

The Tight

In other news, I am too tight.  The .25ccs I got in March are too much.  I gave it time to settle but it hasn't.  Of course, I thought early on that I just needed to get reacquainted with the bandster rules, but I am realizing that bandster rules or no bandster rules --  I am too effin' tight. There are a couple of reasons I am convinced of this.
  • I have PB'd at least once a week since my fill.  (not cool)
  • I can only manage liquids before lunch.  
  • Any amount of legit solid food makes me uncomfortable.
  • I have gotten stuck on soups, meaning I ate soup and got stuck as well as it's almost all I can eat comfortably.  
  • I haven't lost any significant weight.
  • I haven't lost weight because I am favoring sliders/liquids because trying to eat solids is a hassle. 
  • I would punch someone in the face for a grilled chicken breast right now.  
  • The deep down churny heartburn feeling hasn't gone away (that kinda freaks me out). 

Sooooo, I have an appt for an unfill on Friday.  I am going back to my last fill level 7.75ccs which was apparently my green zone (let's hope it still is!!).  The slider diet is taking it's toll on me --  I zero energy. Zero energy = zero will to exercise.  

Once I do get my unfill and my post-unfill diet days are over I am gonna eat meat every meal for a week --nothing but meat!!!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Obsessing Over Trying Not to Obsess

As most of y'all are aware, I am pretty preoccupied with getting pregnant (again).  Actually, "preoccupied" is a bit of an understatement --- more like, totally consumed.  

At this moment, I am in the throws of what the fertility crowd likes to call the Two Week Wait (2ww) i.e. the 2 weeks between dropping an egg and when TOM (hopefully doesn't) show(s) up.  

It is also the period of time when you convince yourself that every cramp, twinge, burp, or fart means you are most DEFINITELY pregnant.  I would like to say that I am sooooo above this, but, let's face it, I'm not.  

If I were above all that I wouldn't have compulsively poked, pinched, and squeezed my boobies for the past week. (And that's not even counting the times I asked The Hubs to do it.)  They are a slight bit tender but who knows, I have probably poked and prodded them into hurting OR it's just PMS.  (Oh, and don't get me started on what bullshit it is that early pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms are basically the same!!!! )

I may or may not be checking my lady mucus every hour for clues like it's some kind of gynecological crystal ball.  (Sorry for the TMI) 

Of course, it also doesn't help that I am experiencing some unusual things right now too. For example, my band suddenly feels loose.  This normally wouldn't set off such an alarm bell except for a) I always get super tight right before TOM (due Friday) and b) my band got really loose during the 4 weeks I was "pregnant" in January.  

The other weird thing is that I have been having indigestion/heartburn since Friday. It's not reflux (before anyone freaks out a band complication) just a churning, acidic feeling in the lower portion of my stomach below my band.  I haven't had anything like it since getting banded.  

I am not nauseous, but I also didn't get nauseous in January either. 

I haven't peed on a stick because I know it's just too early.  If I get a + it will likely be so faint that I won't trust/believe it. If I get a  -  then I will just be more disappointed.  

Of course, pregnancy websites/message boards are no help whatsoever since you can always find info that tells you what you wanna hear if you G**gle enough.  

Honestly, I am not even sure why I am talking about this here other than hoping I can scrub it all from my brain.  I really just want to get in my bed and sleep till Friday just so it won't dominate my every waking thought.  This whole process has been very isolating for me since I have chosen keep the whole pregnancy/miscarriage/ trying to conceive situation to myself.  I feel like the few friends that know are "over" hearing/talking about it or are so preoccupied with their own lives that my few attempts to reach out have been overlooked.   

As much as REALLY need those friends to lean on, I don't want to have to beg a friend to be 'there' for me.  I just need them to do it.  (Gosh, that sounds so whiny and sniveling)  

Well, there you have it.  Your crazy supplement for the day (as if, y'all didn't have enough of your own!!)  

Thursday, May 17, 2012

10 Things of Thursday

Well, here we are again, Thursday, and what better excuse to spew forth a small sampling of the ridiculosity floating around in my noggin??  Props to LauraBelle for saying it's okay!

1) Has your band ever been so tight for, like, 4 days that you swear you are too tight and seriously need an unfill??  Then you make up your mind that you are gonna make an appointment for an unfill and then the next meal you eat turns into one of those "Where the hell did I put all that food??" situations.

2) I am thinking of going back to work.  I love being a housewife and we are doing pretty okay financially but I have way more free time on my hands than I can justify. Actually, it's the fact that we have gotten to a good place financially that makes me wanna work because I know that anything I make can go to paying off debt faster or into savings.  I am looking for jobs outside of the dental field since the dental market here is total crap.  It will take a small miracle for someone to hire me in something other than dental because few employers can see past my Dental Hygiene license or the fact that I haven't worked steadily in almost 3 yrs.

3) I had been reluctant to go back to work because of our desire to have kids since I really wanted to stay at home with any future kids for a couple years. However, it looks like the kid thing isn't gonna happen anytime soon so I might as well try to make some extra cash. Besides, when would be a better time to get pregnant than right after starting a new job.

4) BTW, I have heard some potential babymaking rumblings from a handful of bandsters.  It would be nice if I could connect with some of you guys.  Even if you would prefer to do privately via email or such.  I am not "out" to hardly any friends and family that we are trying to get pregnant and even the ones who do know I have maintained a cool "Oh, we're semi-trying, you know, just letting nature do it's thing" facade.  I really don't want to open an account on any of the pregnancy message boards.  Is it just me or are message boards where crazy goes to multiply??????

5) I have fresh locally grown strawberries in my fridge and I just made some homemade whipped cream (BTW, if you haven't ever made your own whipped cream, YOU SHOULD!! ) Here is a little while I am gonna drizzle some sugar free chocolate syrup on them and sprinkle on some almonds and have myself a little afternoon mouthgasm.

6) I am still really torn about whether or not I am gonna attend BOOBs. Mainly, because I am terrified of meeting everyone.  I am scared that my perception of people will be altered and even more scared that all 3 of the people who read my blog AND actually think I am a decent person will be proven horribly wrong.  My social anxiety aside, the $$$$ freaks me out too.  I just have a hard time spending that kind of money on something only for me.  I can't stop hearing the voice in my head that says "Umm, that $500+ would be better spent paying down your remaining credit card." Also, there are quite a few bloggers that are not going to be attending that I really wanted to meet. (That's not to say that the current attendees aren't good enough, just that I hate that others won't be there.)

7) I think I may need an anti-depressant.  Anyone else experience post-weight loss letdown? You know, that realization that while losing weight has made your life better it hasn't solved ALL your problems? In fact, sometimes, it makes some of your issues more visible since you aren't as distracted my weight and food OR you can't blame your fat for your problems anymore.

8) At this moment, my husband is "exercising" the dog by running around the house so the dog will chase him.

9) I have lost every last bit of my exercise mojo.  Mainly, because I don't like my Zumba teacher and I don't have any friends who will workout with me.

10) I would like to get a mini -Boobs network going in my area. How many of you guys are in TN or in close proximity to the Nashville area such that you could do a day trip or a weekender??  Holla at me!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Now You're Cookin'!!!!!

We have oodles of new Bandsters in our ranks now and one of the BIGGEST concerns they keep expressing is "What can I eat now??" or "I am eating the same things, I'm bored!!". 

Getting a band doesn't mean that tasty food is a thing of the past.  It's easy to get into a food rut, so I am trying to be more conscious of being more well rounded in my food choices.  

Several days ago, Stephanie at Electric Ladyband posted an interesting recipe for 

I decided that I would give it a spin this weekend.  Here are the results.  

I did take Stephanie's advice and added 1 can of Corn and 1 can of Black Beans. It added a little extra nutrition, texture and just the right amount of bulk.  

Since I had a wicked case of the "tights" this weekend I wanted my batch to be a smidgen more on the "soupy" side so I opted to use BOTH  Cream of Chicken and Cream of Mushroom.  

This recipe is VERY versatile especially if you are feeding bandsters and non-bandsters. (For non-bandsters pour over rice or, even better, over quinoa.)  It can also be modified for mushies by a spin through the blender.  

Garnish with a spoonful of plain Greek yogurt instead of sour cream for just a little more protein.  

It's Yum-stastical!!!!!  


Now, for my newest creation.  

The Hubs and I have eaten A LOT of chicken lately-- seriously, it's a wonder we're not clucking by now.  

So last night I decided that dinner had to be ANYTHING but chicken.  

I thawed out some ground beef and mixed in some Dale's Marinade and Ranch Dressing Mix*. 

*Side note:  If you have never used Ranch Mix --- GET SOME!!!  (Don't bother with the packets get the big jar pictured below) I love me some ranch dressing but dowsing everything I eat in Ranch can add lots of extra cals so I use the powder to give me Ranch dressing flavor without Ranch dressing calories.  It's great for seasoning meats but I also add it to Cottage Cheese or Plain Greek Yogurt.  Good Ranchy protein with less calories- win/win!!!!  

Anywayse, I decided I wanted to add some veggie action to my beef so I thawed some frozen chopped spinach (squeeze out all the liquid)  and mixed that in with the beef.  I also sprinkled in some Parmesan cheese.  

Form the beef into patties, and put them into a heated oven safe skillet for about 2 mins on each side (until the lightly browned)  then transfer to the oven and bake for another 25-30 mins at 350 F degrees.  

And voila!!  Parmesan Spinach Burgers (I melted a little Gouda on top too!) 

These aren't as pretty bc they had been in the fridge overnight. They are much prettier straight from the oven.  
It's your meat AND veggies in one juicy, tasty package!!  You can put them on a bun or just eat the patty (which is what we did).  

BTW, I am terrible at writing out recipes that I have made up so if you have any questions just leave them in the comments.  

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I Call Bullshit on the BMI Chart

Lowest weight : 181.4 (as of this morning)

Current Size: 12 (mostly, still the occasional 14)

Current BMI: 32.1 which is STILL FREAKING OBESE ?!?!?!?

But I don't feel Obese

This pic was taken over 5lbs ago.

According to the BMI chart I have to weigh 140lbs to be "normal weight"- that's another 41.4 lbs to lose.  While I know I definitely have that 40 lbs available to lose, I question if I am up for it.  I have talked about my "psuedo-maintenance/planned weight loss break" and I am really struggling with what is my goal?  Unlike many of you, my surgeon didn't give me a specific number that I needed to strive for. This is a good thing in that I am not hung up on some arbitrary number but a bad thing in that I don't have a "finish line" that I am running towards.  

I am oddly content with my weight right now, which is so hilarious because I am content with almost nothing else in my life at the moment.  So how do I know the difference with being satisfied and giving up?

Monday, May 7, 2012

What's Up With What's Going Down.....

The only thing that makes me feel any better about being so absent from the blog is that (Praise the Lawd) my absence has nothing to do with falling off the wagon.

Two weeks ago my 92 yr. old Nana fell and has been in the hospital ever since.  Physically she is getting a little better but she is still experiencing a great deal of disorientation and confusion. She has always been a very zippy and spunky lady so seeing that sparkle flicker out a bit really makes me sad.  I spent the majority of last week in East TN visiting her.  For the first time since getting my band my weight loss made me sad.  My Nana's disorientation seems to be affecting her shorter term memories.  She has no problem recalling things that happened 5 years ago but 6 mos ago is a problem.  Despite being one of my biggest supporters in this process, my Nana doesn't remember or recognize me in my smaller body.  In her mind right now, I am 100lbs heavier.  It got to the point that it freaked her out so much when I told her who I was that just quit telling her.

Me with my Nana last year
As for the scale, it's inching down slowly.  I saw 181.6 this morning and that is my all time low.  While I will always take a loss, any weight loss I am experiencing is total fluke.  I am not focused on it at all.  I think I am in what could be called "Psuedo-maintenance"meaning I am pretty sure I am not at goal (even though I have no idea what goal is) but I am taking a planned break from active weight loss for a while.  I guess you could say that I have pulled the wagon onto the side of road for a while.

Right now, I am pretty focused and pre-occupied with the whole baby making process.  It's proving to be more challenging than just  "Insert tab A into slot B, mix ingredients, and bake for 9 mos till cute and cuddly." (What? You didn't already know that from my snarky and frustrated posts of late?)   It is requiring a lot of attention and focus that would have been otherwise reserved for my active weight loss and, quite frankly, I don't have the mental/ emotional stamina to do both.

So I am maintaining.  Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of aspects of my baby making efforts that go well with weight loss/maintenance like, eating a healthy, balanced diet and getting exercise. Although my focus is more on types of foods than calories eaten and moderate activity that keeps me moving rather than a working up a beastly sweat to burn off the pounds.

I AM reading everyone's blogs. I haven't been the best at commenting bc I have been limited to my iPad while traveling and for some reason Blogger makes it a pain in the ass to comment whilst on the iPad.  I spent almost a week out of town and several more days getting everything straightened back out at home when I returned.  I DID get to go to the Memphis Z00 as a chaperone for my school teacher sister-in-law's honor students.  It was really fun, especially the part where I walked the entire zoo like it weren't no thang.  (I will post pics soon.)