Monday, April 30, 2012

Reason #88 Making Babies is Like Losing Weight

Getting your period when you are trying to get pregnant feels like stepping on the scale only to find out that you have gained 25 lbs. overnight.  

Actually this is where I think that making babies is actually harder than losing weight.  I mean, imagine if you could only lose weight for 3-5 days of the month THEN you had to wait 2 weeks to weigh in and find out if you lost, except you didn't lose weight even though you got all your exercise and watched your calories.  Now you have to wait ANOTHER 2 weeks before you are able to try to lose weight again.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Reason #54 Why Making Babies is Like Losing Weight

Difficulty getting pregnant and difficulty losing weight will make otherwise healthy, sane people beg their doctor to find something, anything wrong with them to explain why their bodies won't cooperate. 

I mean, really, how many times in my life long struggle with weight/weight loss did I have countless blood tests to check thyroid levels, hormone levels, etc in a desperate attempt to prove that something IS legitimately physiologically wrong me.  With every test, I hoped and prayed  that it would finally reveal that the failure was deep in the core of my body AND not deep in the core of my pathetic willpower or inability to change.  Of course, the tests always came back perfectly normal --- and I went back to hating myself for not being able to do something so simple that other people do all the time.

Now, that I finally have the upper hand in my struggle to lose weight, I catch myself feeling the same way about my current inability achieve/maintain pregnancy.   Unfortunately, most OB/GYNs will not explore or test fertility until after at least 1 year of active trying.   So here I am in limbo not knowing if I have a legitimate physical problem or just incapable of properly aligning with the moon and stars.  I don't know which is worse having to sit around for a year while something may be causing me to not get pregnant or getting tested now only to find out (like with my weight loss struggles) that I am perfectly fine and the only reason I can't seem to get pregnant is due to some shitty luck or karmic joke.  

Also, the fact that I ultimately had to get a Lapband (a significant medical intervention)  before I was able to have any measurable weight loss success (despite being otherwise "healthy") is fostering irrational fertility fears.  Even though everything I currently know of my reproductive health points to me having a perfectly healthy bajingo (aka lady business) I am terrified that I will, once again, be forced to utilize extreme medical intervention to make my body ACTUALLY do something that it should be perfectly capable of doing.  

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Reason #147 Why Making Babies is Like Losing Weight.

Making babies, like losing weight, is simple in theory. 

To lose weight you just eat less and exercise more.  To make babies, you mix sperm and egg via some well timed headboard rattling.  Easy, right? 

Although, as we all know, it is so much more complicated than that.  

If it were that simple the world would be way more skinny and way more populated.  

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I am Seriously 'Bout to High Five This Skinny Bitch in the Face With a Chair

Right now I am having lunch during a seminar all about Nutrition. This little endeavor is what we in the dental hygiene biz like to call a "Lunch & Learn". We dental hygienists are total food 'hos -- we will let you talk to us about anything if you feed us free lunch.

I have attended seminars from this presenter (different topic) before and I generally hold her in high esteem. However, I am sitting here about blow my mother FN stack. She is a very small person (5'5/ 106lbs) and I can tell, by virtue of way she speaks about nutrition and obesity, that she has clearly never had a weight problem. She is also espousing the notion that protein is minimally necessary in the average diet and that vitamin supplements don't work. She is all about vegan and plant only diets. It is plainly evident that homegirl has an agenda. I might also mention that she isn't a nutritionist or dietician -- just another lifelong skinny person trying to fix all of us fatties.

She also has that very judgy tone in her voice when she says the word "obesity." There was very much a tone of "Well, if people would just eat fruits and veggies they wouldn't be so fat." While there is likely some validity to that notion -- we all know it's not always so easy.

The last time I sat through one of her seminars I was 100 lbs. heavier. I am also sitting at a table with a obese lady who easily weighs 300+ lbs. She has her head down and I know she is feeling self-conscious. And my heart is breaking for her because I WAS HER. If this class had been 3 yrs ago, I would trying to crawl under the table with her. I would have been convinced the whole room was staring at me and thinking "Hey Fatty!! Listen up -- you need to hear this!!! You need to eat your veggies!!!" I just wanna look at the lady sitting next to me and say "Don't let this bitch get you down. She is kinda full of shit. I used to be obese too and now I'm not. I got a Lapband and it changed my life"

Ugh, I don't even really know what the point of this rant is other than to say that I get really stinking annoyed when people who have never dealt/lived with obesity start spouting broad spectrum solutions to obesity. So there rant over!! ( I will be posting this much later than when it actually occurred thanks to the lack O' wifi at this hotel.)

Friday, April 20, 2012


Bring Your Own Crazy!!! Courtesy of Draz. (Sorry I don't have links I a doing this on my iPad and I don't know how to make that work)

1.) Do you have any siblings?

Nope. I am an only child. There are definite pros and cons to being an only child. And no, I was not spoiled. I have many friends with siblings who were indulged far greater as children than I ever was. I do have a god brother who is also an only child. He is almost exactly a year younger than me. We have taken each other on as unofficial siblings. He drives me bonkers like a kid bro and I judge all his girlfriends like a big sis. Sometimes it's not the family you have it's the family you choose.

2.) Let's talk pizza. Do you prefer homemade or restaurant? What toppings are your fave.

I tend to prefer restaurant pizza specifically wood fired oven pizza, mainly because they are super tasty but also because the extra thin crust are mandatory for me these days. I tend to lean toward the gourmet toppings: roasted red peppers, artichoke hearts, Kalamata olives, portobello mushrooms, prosciutto, feta cheese or Gorgonzola or fresh mozzarella.

3.) When is the last time you cried - in sadness or joy?

I am not much of a "joy crier." I am more of a "joy giggler. " As for crying in sadness, Easter Sunday. When I found out the cousin in law was stealing my baby name that I had been holding onto for years. (once again, this is the same cousin who will be due at basically the exact same time that I would have been. Total salt in the wound.)

I am also very prone to crying out of anger. This is very frustrating because crying is so often seen as a sign of weakness, but for me, my angry tears are usually the only thing keeping me from ripping someones throat out.

4.) Do you own a gun - one that is specifically yours? Do you know how to use it?
( I am gonna have to be careful because I am liable to show my politics and I make it a point not to show my politics in the blogosphere )

HELL'S FN YEAH I own a gun. I am one 2nd Amendment loving bitch. I was raised around firearms. I was raised with a very healthy respect for the power and responsibility that comes with owning firearms. I am the child of a former policeman and avid hunter and my Father went to great lengths to make sure I knew how to handle a gun safely at a very young age. Thanks to him I have never been afraid or enchanted by guns. I understood what their legitimate purpose was.

My first gun was a double barrel shotgun that Daddy gave me when I moved to my first apartment in Memphis. That joker still lives beside my bed.
But the pic below is my new bebe that I will soon be certified to carry all over this great Volunteer State. It's a Smith & Wesson .38 hammerless.

In the words of the great David Allen Coe, "All this hair can't cover up my redneck. ."

5.) Repeat question. Summarize your week.

Real life, is all about making babies and talking about teeth.

Blog life is all about posts fueled by the boredom of learning about toothy stuff. I love me some teeth but my fave class was the one about medical-legal investigations since both my educational backgrounds are Criminology and Dentistry. Maggots, dead bodies, and teeth -- it don't get no better

T to the 3 power aka 10 things Thursday ( in the wee hours of Friday)

It's T to the power of 3 aka Ten Things Thursday courtesy of Laura Belle

1.) As I write this it is 8pm and I am sitting in a HIV/ Infectious Disease Seminar. The only thing keeping me awake is a VERY large cup of coffee and a YoYo Cookie from the Publix Bakery ( that is, if you consider 2 choc chip cookies w/ buttercream frosting sandwiched between them and then dipped in chocolate a "cookie"). I really hope the doctor doing the seminar knows what to do when I fall out in a sugar induced coma.

2. ) Have any of you guys ever forgotten about your band and then eaten something thoughtlessly only to get a rude awakening to remind you that you do, in fact, have a band. Tuesday night, shortly before bed, I was cleaning up the dinner dishes. There was small chunk of chicken cutlet leftover on the pan. The chicken was extra delish ( even if I did make it myself) so I nibbled at it as I worked on the dishes. Then went on to bed. Have I mentioned that the only thing that gives me reflux is eating right before bed?? Yeah, like an hour after I fell asleep I sprang from the bed coughing up battery acid. Stupid, stupid,stupid *pokes forehead*

3.) I am seriously gonna turn into a breaded chicken cutlet. It all started on Saturday when I got a serious craving for Chicken Parm. So I pounded out some chicken breast, breaded them, and lightly fried them till they were golden. IT WAS A-MAH-ZING!!!! So I kinda went on a breaded chicken cutlet rampage, we have had breaded chicken cutlets in some form all week.

4.) The chicken cutlet rampage came to a screeching halt yesterday morning following the reflux incident. I made my band very angry and it responded by getting extra super tight. I am trying to baby it and make nice. It's that time of the month where my hormones are gonna get wackadoody so I think that is compounding the tightness situation.

5.) I think I am having a fight with my preggo friend on FB. She just wouldn't stop bitching and moaning about being pregnant and, when I couldn't take it anymore, I totally called her out on it. I lose patience with folks who bitch about their blessings. Much the same way my overweight/ obese friends probably wouldn't want to hear me whine about the minor, insignificant annoyances that can part of bandster life after I have managed to lose 100lbs.

6.) I must also mention that the cousin -in-law who has been my pregnancy tormentor on FB has also now stolen my baby name that I have been planning on for years. In my husbands family they have a tradition that all the boy children have names that begin with the letter "J". For years, the cousin in law has sworn up and down that she would not be participating in that tradition. However, the minute she found out that she is having a boy she decided she would play along. They announced that they would be naming their boy Jacob nickname Jake. That just happens to be the name we had settled on for any potential boy child of ours. So not only does she have almost the exact same due date that I should have had, the bitch is stealing my baby name.

7.) The hotel where my conference is being held doesn't have free wifi in the meeting rooms. Very glad that I didn't pay $200/ night to stay there. Really you folks can't include a little wifi in the obnoxiously expensive rate that you charge for hosting this conference ????

8.) There is a woman at my conference that I went to school with (3 yrs & 100lbs ago) she hasn't spoken to me. I am telling myself it is because she doesn't recognize me. Yeah, that's the ticket!

9.) My conference is being held one town away from where my Zumba guru, Maggie teaches classes. I am totally skipping out on part of my conference to take her Zumba class. I am hoping that it will kick my ass and inspire me to get back to my workouts because I have been SUPER unmotivated as of late.

10.) I have learned that the Law of Crazy is like the Law of Matter. It can be neither created nor destroyed. While I have largely put all my weird, obsessive crazy associations with my weight/food issues behind me, many of those same issues and tendencies have resurfaced in my baby making quest. Surprisingly, struggling to make a baby is a lot like struggling to lose weight. In my upcoming posts I plan to highlight the ways in which these journeys are oddly similar.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Blogging Fire Fueled By Boredom

You know you have been gone from the blogging world for a bit when you get a text from a fellow blogger asking if everything is okay. [puffy hearts to RockBand Barbie for checking up on me] I HAVE been gone for a teensy bit. Rest assured it's not because of some colossal weight/band related fail on my part. I am maintaining quite well, PTL. I am just really not focused on losing weight right now. I am busy frying bigger fish ( actually, chicken cutlets to be precise but that is a whole post of its own). I have been reading, commenting sporadically (not nearly as much as I should), and thinking constantly of topics I want to blog about. I have just been distracted for the past couple weeks. Well, that ends today because you guys are very likely to get firebombed with blog posts from me for, at least, the duration of the weekend. I am suffering though attending the 3 day long TN Annual Dental Hygienist conference in an effort to get all my continuing ed credits that are due at the end of the year. So this means I will be sitting in a hotel meeting room for the next 3days listening to people jabbering about dental stuff that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. You tell me, could there be a better chance to get caught up on all things blogtacular???? I didn't think so either!! Anywayse, stay tuned because, hopefully, I am just getting warmed up (that is if they have free wifi in the conference rooms) :D

Thursday, April 5, 2012

10 Things Thursday

* Courtesy of  Laura Belle

1) I spent the past 3 days washing the exterior of our house from gutter to ground.  Anybody know the calorie burn count on scrubbing filthy a** vinyl siding in 85 degree sunshine??  Me either. Needless to say I have had no trouble getting to sleep this week.

2) I started tanning again last week.  I bought an unlimited 1 month package because it takes a lot of visits to turn this pasty ginger gal into a gingersnap.  I had to bag on the tanning the past 3 days because all the house scrubbing in the sun turned me into a lobsta!!

3) I made another batch of kale chips.  My love for them wasn't a fluke -- they're still rockin' my socks.
My dinner last night was kale chips dipped in Ranch dressing (the fresh made kind w/ actual mayo, buttermilk, and ranch powder). I feel less bad about dunking kale chips in Ranch as opposed to, say, potato chips.  I realized during my Ranch Kale Chip snack that, since I hate lettuce and raw veggies, it was probably the first time in my life that I have actually dipped a vegetable in Ranch dressing.

4) One of my best friends is 10 weeks pregnant.  She is one of 2 people who know about what I went through in January.  Her pregnancy was unplanned. She and her husband are the 2 most fertile people on the face of the planet. This will be her 3rd child and all three were made on her first attempt to conceive each one.  (This current one was conceived 2 wks after she had her IUD removed & had her cervix scraped and blow torched).  She is the same friend who had a 5 a day Nachos Bellgrande/Burrito Supreme habit when we were in college and never got any bigger than a Size 4.  I love her, but sometimes it's kinda hard.

5) I am really am fine with her being pregnant -- I don't want to deny anyone her joy. But she has done nothing but bitch, whine, and moan on FB/Twitter about everything that has to do with being pregnant.  And that DOES piss me off.  It's insulting.  It's all I can do to keep from saying "SHUT UP ABOUT HOW MUCH {MORNING SICKNESS/CONSTIPATION/SWELLING/GETTING FAT} SUCKS!!!!  I am sorry you and your husband can't pass each other in the hallway without getting knocked up but some of us would gladly puke up our toenails everyday to be where you are!!!  Stop complaining about your blessings -- it's insulting."

6) #4 & #5 make me feel like a terrible person.

7) I think Carnie Wilson is full of shit. There, I said it.  That makes me feel like a terrible Bandster.

8)  Is it just me or does losing bunches of weight change your internal thermostat??  We haven't run heat or AC in almost 2 months.  In the heat of the afternoon my house is 75 degrees inside -- 100lbs ago I would not have been able to tolerate anything over 68F.  Plus, this winter I kept having to bundle up. WTFrench, toast?

9) I bought a MEGA crap ton of Easter candy on Monday so that I could give treat bags to all the kids in the family on Sunday.  Well, on Tuesday I find out that due to a family spat (unrelated to us) that Easter dinner on Sunday is cancelled.  What the what?!?!?!??  I now have 5 bags of candy that I am hiding in my garage fridge.

10) Lately it seems like my port ACTUALLY wants to be petted.  It really pokes out y'all!!!!  Weirdly enough, you can't see it poking out, but I feel it anytime I am within 6 inches of touching my tummy. The Hubs swears he feels it anytime he gives me a hug.   So I can't see it but I can feel it?!?!?  That's just crizazy.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A Shout to Our Texas Ladies

Just a note to say I hope all of our Texas ladies are doing alright after yesterday's storms.

I have family living North of Dallas and I am blessed and grateful they are doing fine.

In 2003, The Hubs and I weathered out an F4 tornado here in TN. It still ranks as one of the scariest moments of my life.

So shouts to Andrea, Ronnie, Dawnya, Angela, Beth Ann -- you ladies safe and sound???? (Those are the gals I can remember are from Tx off the top of my head so I don't mean to leave anyone out -- let us know you are okay !!)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Call it, Hundo!!

I got up at Le Asscrack on Saturday to go to my only Zumba class this week and honestly, wasn't quite feelin' it.  I decided to go ahead and weigh myself because I figured it would likely motivate me to go.  It did but in the good way!!!  'Cause this is what I saw when I hopped on the scale.  

Do you ever just wake and swear that you feel lighter?  

That, my friends, means that I am officially 100 lbs. down!!!!  It was the last thing I expected to see.  (Although, Saturday was when Aunt Flo had officially left town and I was hoping she might have taken some of her bullshit water retention with her when she left!!! )  

While I haven't been terrible in my choices this week -- they weren't amazing either. Also, I haven't "worked out" but once this week. I will qualify that by saying that I have been hittin' and gettin' it around the house this with lots of yard work, etc., so it's not like I have been lounging on the couch.  

Anywayse, I am more than just a little geeked and relieved.  Of course, every time a goal is met it requires the re-evaluation and setting of new goals -- so Imma gonna have to start getting all thinky (which is always dangerous! Ha!)  

I am prolly gonna have to strive for losing at least a few more el-bees bc I am lurking between a Size 12 and 14 and that is just annoying.  So I am, at least, gonna have to get myself solidly into a 12.  We'll just call that my new goal for now.  

Happy Monday Y'all!!!  I am gonna go wash down the outside of my house!!