Thursday, February 16, 2012

10 Things Thursday - I am a Zumba Bizzatch Edition

10 Things Thursday
Courtesy of Laura Belle

1.  I almost didn't go to Zumba today since I layed awake till 4am because The Hubs was out of town on bidness.  I am glad that I did because I would have felt like doody mentally and physically if I hadn't.  And because I skipped my cardio yesterday as a result of being very sore (not in the good way, in the 'I'm cruisin' for an injury' way) and my tendency to hermit at the house when Hubs is out of town.

2. The Zumba classes I'm attending now are basically run by this one chick who is the local High Priestess of Zumba. Actually, I think she is more like The Godfather of Zumba. The chick who stands next to me in my class said, "She has attitude like she birthed Zumba her damn self!!" and I don't disagree with this assessment.

3. I bought a 10 class pre-paid card for $45 which means my classes cost me $4.50/ class. Ideally, I would be taking 4 classes/week so this means I am buying at least 2 cards a month. $90 dollars/ month for 4 days a week of Zumba.  In Nashville, I paid $65 for my city wide YMCA membership and got to take 10 Zumba classes a month plus gym/locker/pool access.  This makes me cranky.

4. #3 makes me cranky bc this Chick thinks that this Zumba class is her own personal variety show.  She spends the first 10 mins of class running her mouth, stops in the middle of songs (I mean stops the music and all) to bitch everyone out about the quality/intensity of their moves,  she is CONSTANTLY doing the 'disco call' aka "Woo, woo!!", she will stop the music and pitch a fit if she is not adequately "Woo woo'd!!" in return, and has to stop and tell a funny (not) story between every song.  So when all is done -- I am getting maybe 30 mins of legit cardio.  

5. So, if she sucks so much why do I still take the class?  Well I haven't used up the aforementioned pre-paid card AND when she actually DOES instruct she is the best person in the area (that's not necessarily a high compliment).

6. She looks like a Redneck Lady Gaga - her hair is so fake blonde it is yellow and she comes to class made up like a drag queen. I shouldn't say that, it's insulting to drag queens and I love drag queens.   Any other given time of the day I wouldn't give a fat crap what she looks like --- I am all about letting your freak flag fly. But in a fitness class/gym setting I want someone who comes looking like they are serious about getting their cardio sweat going -- not getting ready to put on their variety act.

7.  She has tiny, itty bitty, miniature, petite physique.  And while most of her physique is obviously her natural state of being. She is INCREDIBLY focused on 'getting skinny' as the driving force for her classes.  She is constantly talking about burning calories and getting skinny. It smacks of distorted food/body issue stuff when she talks about it.  She makes me think of the SB's that MandaPanda mentioned in her post today.  There is no emphasis on improving health by gaining strength and stamina through cardio --- just gettin' skinny.  This was actually the reason she stopped mid-song to bitch everyone out was because many of the ladies in the class were not doing their "twisty, crunch, ab move" to her satisfaction, in her words "If they didn't do it better, they were never gonna get skinny."

8. There's nothing wrong with wanting to "get skinny" but it seems that she is focused on it in such a way that she encourages movements and habits that seem counter to actual health or fitness.  She over exaggerates some moves in a way that I am convinced is gonna get somebody injured.  Also, I noticed she didn't have a "warm up" routine or a "cool down/stretch" routine.  She informed me this evening that she didn't believe in them bc they don't burn enough calories as full out cardio.  I wanted to ask her "How many calories will I burn if I am laid out on my couch for a week because I seriously strained a muscle???" *note to self: do warm up at home before class and stretch yourself out after*

9.  I have attended almost 5 classes with her so far and until this evening she had not once spoken to me.   However, tonight, out of nowhere she wants to chat me up in a major way after class.  I know her sudden interest has to come from one of 3 things:  1) I stood in her sight line during class and I was working that shit out doing my Nashville instructors more intense version of the routines!!! ( I had to, trying to get 60 mins of cardio benefit out of the 30 mins she actually taught) 2) The 2nd time she stopped the song to fuss at everyone I turned my back to her and did bouncy steps to keep my HR up (That's some passive-aggressive stuff but I was soooo pissed by that point) 3) One of her class pets was standing around when I revealed the other night that I had lost 95lbs and I am pretty sure the pet told her about my weight loss.

10. All of this frustrates me because Zumba used to be my happy place, and I don't like angry Zumba. Angry cardio is for the treadmill - I can get pissed and go run it off there. I am supposed to leave Zumba feeling bouncy and dancy.  I am gonna keep going to see if this was just a fluke. Maybe it was because I didn't get good sleep last night or perhaps because my PMS is getting ramped up -- I am willing to take some of the blame.

My Nashville Zumba goddess guru, Maggie used to tease me about being a Zumba snob but tonight I just feel like a world class Zumba bizzatch.


  1. Too bad you can't get to abetter class. Looking forward to see how the last of your prepaid classes turn out though. Maybe she wants you to be one of her pets. Good luck :o)

  2. that woman sounds like a beast!

  3. Ugh. I don't like that Zumba instructor at all. Do you have any other options for Zumba near you? If you do, I'd finish out the prepaid one and move on...

    Thanks for the shout out. It's like a SB full moon or something!

  4. Ahhh, that's poopy.

    But I straight up snorted at the drag queen #. That was hilarious!
    you make me giggle!

    Idk, maybe try another class????