So, where was I? Oh yeah, she.played.The.Fat.Card.
The Fat Card!?!?!?!?
And by "played the Fat Card" I mean that this woman called me fat because she didn't like me or my opinion. She called me fat for the sole purpose of humiliating me and belittling my point of view. I have been called Fat in every way imaginable both on purpose and by accident. I would like to say that this didn't bother me. I would like to say that having lost damn near 80 lbs. made me able to ignore this comment---- it soooo didn't. On a side note, this little incident just so happened to come about a few days after I had a huge NSV. Only a few days earlier, I was at my gym shakin' my booty in Zumba class and for the first time I actually saw the weight loss. I saw myself for the first time looking truly different than when I started and not only did I see it, I believed it!! So having someone (who hadn't seen me in over a year) call me Fat was devastating. It made me doubt everything. It made me question my weight loss. It made me question my new found confidence. I cried and cried and cried.
After the crying stopped I thought about why this was so upsetting. I mean, I would like to take the whole "Sticks and Stones" attitude but I couldn't. I realized that this person calling me fat opened up one of my oldest and deepest wounds. It took me back to the past 20 years of my life that I have spent being nice and fun and not making waves. I put up with a lot of shit from people that I probably shouldn't have. I worked hard to make people like me in spite of my fatness. I spent the vast majority of my life trying not to piss people off so they wouldn't play the Fat Card, because it never failed on the occasion that I would rock the boat someone always sought to put me in my place by calling attention to my excess weight. My weight was the ultimate weapon that other people could use against me. I thought those days were behind me, but here I was almost 80 lbs lighter and it was still happening.
I debated with myself about how to handle the situation. Part of me just wanted to ignore it and let it go and the other part of me wanted to tell Ms. L just how hurtful her words were (and maybe tell her where she could roll it up tight and stick it). I decided to confront her. I reasoned that ignoring and "letting go" is what I had always done. I sent her a message detailing exactly how her cruel words made me feel. (I am proud of the fact that I was able to acknowledge my hurt feelings and not feel ashamed of them because a part of me still thought that my being fat meant that I somehow deserved this kind of treatment.) I also pointed out that calling me fat because she didn't like my beliefs or opinions was pretty stinkin' low and cruel. I also decided that, if the opportunity presented, I would out her behavior to our mutual friends. ( I recognize that this might be a teensy bit petty on my part but I also feel that when someone is willing to be mean and nasty to one person they will be mean and nasty to other people. Sometimes when you are mean to people there are consequences.)
Needless to say, she didn't respond back. I don't know how/if my confrontation affected her. What I do know is that both Ms. L and Ms. C enabled whatever setting on Facebook that vaporizes them from existence. It took me several days to get past her hurtful words. They echoed in my head non-stop for days. And all that progress I saw in the mirror at the gym? It took a vacation too. I am trying my best to get that feeling back.
I guess that is why I am here. I finally realized that I needed a place to keep track of my victories for the next time someone decides hurt me on purpose. I was also reminded that Facebook is no place for politics among friends. I also decided it was time to lay down some ground rules for Facebook----but we'll talk about those some other time.